Exploring Death Positivity

Let’s face it, Americans hate the idea of thinking about death, much less talking about it.  The moment any thought of death begins to seep into our consciousness we find something to distract us away from what is frankly the second most important day of our existence here on earth.

Now birth? Well, we’re all about it. In fact, before a child is even born we happily anticipate the moment of their arrival with 3D ultrasounds, gender reveal parties, baby showers, shopping for adorable outfits, planning baptisms and getting the nursery ready.  We spend an enormous amount time, energy, and money preparing for the birth of our new child, and once they are born we look forward to a lifetime of annual celebrations in their honor–and is it any wonder?  It feels empowering to regularly remind ourselves of our capacity to create and sustain something as wondrous as life. But when it comes to devoting that kind of energy to anticipating and planning for our death; we are nowhere to be found.

A 2010 survey conducted by the National Funeral Directors Association found that only 25 percent of adults have actually taken the time to make arrangements for their own funeral. However, 66 percent of adults indicated that they would choose to arrange their own funeral service. Clearly the vast majority of Americans have a pretty good idea of how they want things to be as the end draws nigh – but they don’t make the effort to follow through with that planning. So where’s the disconnect?

Well, for starters, it’s damned unsettling to think about our mortality. The sense of uncertainty and physical finality that surrounds death is, quite frankly, terrifying - even for people of deep faith.  When we allow ourselves to think about death, and by that I mean really contemplate it, nagging existential questions begin to creep in, like “What happens when we die?” “Where do we go, if anywhere, after we die?” “Do I believe in an afterlife?” “Is this it…. total annihilation and darkness?” “What if there is no God?” Not exactly the subject matter that puts us in a good frame of mind to get through our busy day, so we push it away, for a while, because we must.

Until one day we hear the sad news that an acquaintance, someone our own age, has unexpectedly passed away leaving his family with absolutely no idea how to make ends meet. We feel such devastation for the family and as we try to place ourselves in their shoes, our death anxiety begins to kick in. Practical questions begin to arise. Questions like “What happened if I died tomorrow?” “Do I have enough money to pay for a burial?” “What do I want my funeral to be like?” and “Who will take care of old Fido and Fluffy when I’ve gone?” “Who will get the family heirlooms?” “What will happen to my family when I die?” and “Why didn’t I write a will when there was still time?”

And yet here we are a society that still does not spend enough time pondering the certainty of our own eventual demise. And I get it, it’s unpleasant, it creates a lot of anxiety for us and our loved ones to sit down and talk about the end of life, and yet it is absolutely necessary. If we can’t discuss death, then we also can’t discuss how to prevent the types of scenarios outlined above. We need to do better, if not for ourselves then for the people we love.

So how do we do that?

How can we help change the culture of Americans from one who goes to great lengths to avoid thinking about death to one who will allow itself to lean into it?  The answer might lie with the Death Positive movement.

What the heck is “Death Positive”?

The term "death positive" was popularized by Caitlin Doughty, founder of “The Order of the Good Death” The Order of the Good Death was founded in 2011 with the following goal: “Order is about making death a part of your life. That means committing to staring down your death fears—whether it be your own death, the death of those you love, the pain of dying, the afterlife (or lack thereof), grief, corpses, bodily decomposition, or all of the above. Accepting that death itself is natural, but the death anxiety and terror of modern culture are not.”

As a young funeral director working in Los Angeles, Caitlin was troubled by what she was seeing - she noticed that the funeral industry, of which she was a part, set families up for failure both financially and emotionally, so she founded the Order and began to build a platform to educate the public about death. Her website and podcasts feature the voices of funeral industry professionals, academics, and artists who had also been exploring ways to reframe what was possible at the end of life.

To be clear, death positive doesn’t mean you’re thrilled and “positive” after someone has died. Death positive means you should be given support think about death, to plan for a good death whenever possible, to be supported during and after a death, as both a dying person and a bereaved person which includes having no impediments to talking freely about your feelings and experiences. Death Positivity is about changing the way we perceive mortality, and cultivating a healthy relationship to it.

Per The Order of the Good Death, the 8  basic tenants of the death positive movement are as follows:

·        I believe that by hiding death and dying behind closed doors we do more harm than good to our society.

·        I believe that the culture of silence around death should be broken through discussion, gatherings, art, innovation, and scholarship.

·        I believe that talking about and engaging with my inevitable death is not morbid, but displays a natural curiosity about the human condition.

·        I believe that the dead body is not dangerous, and that everyone should be empowered (should they wish to be) to be involved in care for their own dead.

·        I believe that the laws that govern death, dying and end-of-life care should ensure that a person’s wishes are honored, regardless of sexual, gender, racial or religious identity.

·        I believe that my death should be handled in a way that does not do great harm to the environment.

·        I believe that my family and friends should know my end-of-life wishes, and that I should have the necessary paperwork to back-up those wishes.

·        I believe that my open, honest advocacy around death can make a difference, and can change culture.

 Sounds good! So where to begin?

The Order of the Good Death suggests that we being with ourselves – that we begin to really lean in and question where our own fears around death come from and how to transform them into something more workable for our own lives because the work that we do to face our own mortality will help both our families and our communities. The idea here is that by talking about death with others in our circles, we begin to remove the shroud of silence around it, and that begins to open up new ways of thinking not only about how we want to die, but how we want to live during the time we have left.

If you’d like to learn more I highly encourage you to check out “The Order of the Good Death” at orderofthegooddeath.com or check out Caitlin’s podcast “Death in The Afternoon” which is available wherever you get your podcasts.

Until next time - Memento Mori, my friends.